listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
