I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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