the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
