she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
