i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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