you guys were way drunker than both of me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can't turn off my feet"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Never underestimate the power of titties
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
