you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
