Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
