Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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