i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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