the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
