i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
