i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
