My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
