i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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