So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm passing your future prison.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
