just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
