Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
