He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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