Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
