Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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