drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
