Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
