apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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