Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
