Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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