1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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