so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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