So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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