fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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