party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
