She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
