just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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