I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
