so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Let's get the cat blown out
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
