Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
