Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
