I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
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I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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