So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
