Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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