For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
