I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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