How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
