so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
