dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
