look no pants
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
