I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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