so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
someone owes me an orgasm
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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