I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
