Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
