Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
