I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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