i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
