I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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