My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
