Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
