I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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