here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
